Oh how I love to say her name. Even better I love to just look at our little Ellie Kate. Last night I was standing by Ellie's bed and thought how lucky I am to have been able to carry such a beautiful little girl and her beautiful big sister. I have had so many thoughts, feelings, worries, and joys in the past 16 months. For those of you who know me, you all know that I all ever wanted was to get married and have a family. I even remember being asked at an interview "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" My response, "Hopefully married with children.". I got the greatest gift when I met Matt. He is the best husband I could ever asked for. When we decided to start trying to have a family, my only fear was that we would have a problem getting pregnant. It never once crossed my mind that something could happen after the fact. After losing Maddy, the thought of getting pregnant again terrified me. The joy of carrying a baby again was not like it should have been. Matt and I were constantly in fear of an ultrasound showing there was no heartbeat again when I was pregnant with Ellie. So many people tried to assure me that everything would be ok, nothing bad could happen again. But, when you have carried a child to term and have God call that precious child home before you get to know her, you never think everything will be ok. Then my worst fears were confirmed on February 2nd, when we found out all of Ellie's anomalies. Pregnancy would never ever be the same for me again.
Even though Ellie's pregnancy and delivery were difficult, my love for her could not have been stronger. She is my child. No matter what the doctors said, or how the ultrasounds looked, I knew without a doubt Ellie was going to be ok. Yes I knew what could happen, but I looked to God to give me that peace, that hope that we would and will fight for her. We have to.
These past two weeks (really the past 6 weeks) have been so tough for Ellie, Matt, and I. I don't have a problem in telling you guys that I am down right now. I am hurting so bad for my little Ellie. I hurt for her because number one as a parent, I can't do anything physically to help her. I wish so badly I could walk in there and just magically make her better. Number two, I have not held Ellie now in two weeks. My arms are aching and I feel empty right now. I just want to cuddle her. I just want to make any pain she might be feeling go away. I have fought saying this on here for a long time, but I just have to put this out there to you all-it's not fair! I guess I have fought saying that because I don't want to sound like I am doubting God or my faith. I'm not by any means. I think God understands that we feel that way sometimes. Something would be wrong with us if we didn't. It's just hard because the human part of me asks, "Why me Lord, why did I get chosen to walk this road, this path?". I know in time God will reveal His plan to Matt and I. I guess all I want to do right now is hold Ellie. I would be happy with that. When Maddy went to heaven, I remember telling Matt that my arms felt like they needed to be doing something , they felt empty. To have the opportunity to hold your child and then have it taken away, is so hard. The day I get that again, you will see the biggest smile on my face.
That's part of my heart right now. If I shared my whole heart, you would be reading for days! If I sounded like I was rambling, I am sorry. There is just so many thoughts and feelings going on, sometimes I just have to write it and get it out there.
As I write this right now, Ellie is getting ready to go down for CT scan of her chest. The doctors are wanting new imaging to see how Ellie is progressing. We need BIG prayers today and tomorrow. The doctors and Matt and I are meeting for a care conference to discuss Ellie's long term care. My prayer and my hope is that they will be able to come to an agreement and a plan as to what is best for Ellie. I know as many of you all know that God is in control. He is the ultimate physician, the master healer. Please pray for Ellie. Please pray for the doctors, surgeons, nurses, and staff that help to take care of her. We are so lucky to have so many sweet, caring, and most of all knowledgeable people taking care of our precious Ellie.
I love each and everyone of you. You all have helped us in a way we never thought possible. Your prayers are giving us strength on our weakest and strongest days. I know I have said this before but Ellie is one lucky girl to have so many people that love and care for her.
Love you all and thanks for letting my share my heart with you all today.
Love,
Ellie's mommy
