This week has been hard. It's been weird. Being home is not easy. The best way to describe it is coming home to a life you once knew, but is not yours anymore. We had this whole new life in Cincinnati. Even though it was hard and trying, we loved every minute of it. We had Ellie there. It's hard to be back here now and back in a life that knew nothing of Cincinnati. You can't blend the two, it's impossible. I am filled with memories. That helps. It's just some days I don't know which way to turn. I want a life that we don't have at this moment. God chose something different than what we wanted. I know He has a plan. When the hardest of hard moments come, I stop and pray for God to give me strength. He does. That helps more than words will ever be able to describe.
When we were in Florida, Matt and I were able to go out on the water. We went fishing in the ocean. I was very nervous. I cannot swim and the boat we went on, well it was little and I will leave it at that. When we headed out I was more than nervous, I was TERRIFIED. It seemed like we were miles and miles from civilization (we were really only 6 miles away from land). Once we reached our first stopping point, I began to just look around. It was GORGEOUS! This was unlike any thing I have ever seen. The water would go from dark blue to crystal clear, to turquoise, to lighter shades of blue. It took my breath away at times. To be surrounded by God's creation, just left me speechless. The water seemed endless. It was really the first time I had been around something so beautiful. Being on that boat, surrounded by such beautiful waters, helped me to imagine (and imagine is all I can do) what my girls are an eyewitness to. I try to picture in my head the beauty they see all the time in heaven. I can't even begin to fully comprehend that beauty. I can say this. Being out on that water, made me feel closer to Maddy and Ellie. It was a combination of being in the middle of God's beautiful creation, seeing first hand what God created, and realizing a little more than I did the day before of just how big and awesome our God is!
Do I think or know if tomorrow is going to be easier? No. Am I learning to trust Him a little more each day? Yes. Trusting Him does not make all the pain go away. What it does do, is gives me hope and a stronger faith. This past week, when I have been struggling, I let myself go to the water. I bow my head, picture the water and pray. Even if it's only for a few minutes several times a day, God meets me there. He gives me peace and strength. He clears my head and allows me to focus. Focus on Him. That helps to ease the pain. It helps me to continue and go on.
Thank you Lord for your beauty. Thank you for the water. Thank you for our girls.
Love,
Ellie's Mommy
