I know you all can tell by last several posts that I have been mentioning Ellie and Maddy a lot. This has been something I have been dealing with over the past few days. Reality is setting in. I have not one but TWO girls in heaven. I can't quite wrap my head around that yet. I don't know if I ever will. It's a strange, weird, and difficult thing to think. All my life I wanted to get married, have a wonderful husband (which I do!!), and have babies. I wanted to be a mommy. I am a mommy. I know that. But, how do you deal with the fact that both your children are in heaven? Trust is my main thing. I trust God. I know He has a plan. If I lose sight of God, I know I lose sight of everything. I won't be able to cope or make it out of bed. He gets me through each day.
I guess what I am dealing with right now is, wondering if people will remember Maddy. God is using Ellie for such a big purpose. I know that and I am so honored and proud of that. God used Maddy too. Maddy was Matt and I's first child. She taught me what it felt like to be pregnant. She made Matt and I realize what an honor it was to be chosen to carry God's precious gift of life. Through her, we became parents for the first time. We realized what a special gift that was, to be parents. When we lost her, well you can imagine. It was heartbreaking, it still is. It was traumatic. It was this loss that carried such a heavy weight. It still is. After losing her, I made it my mission, in my head, for people not to forget her. She was our child. Even though she was heaven, we should still remember her down here. I did my best to make certain that on holidays, special dates and her birthday she was remembered. It still hurts though, when her birthday comes and the only thing you can do is put flowers on her grave. I want to do so much more. I know when the Lord reunites us all together again we will have all the time in the world to do that. I plan on it being a party everyday.
Then, God gave us Ellie. He has used Ellie in ways I could never begin to imagine. I am a quiet person. I don't like to stand out. God has changed all of that for me. Ellie has opened the door for so many people to see the Lord. Really know Him and trust Him and follow Him. I am so honored to be her mommy and to see what the Lord is doing through her life. As her mommy, I am going through the same things now that I went through with Maddy. I don't want people to forget her. I want to make sure she is honored everytime she can be. We had 95 wonderful days with Ellie. Was it enough? No. 95 years would never be enough. But, Matt and I have hope. Hope that as believers, we will see both our girls again. Hope that we get to spend eternity with them. My prayer for you all today, is that if you don't feel like you have that hope, that you would seek God and get it. Please find someone and talk to them about it. Talk to us. Trust me, Matt and I have really hard days, with the reality that both our girls are not here. To know and be certain that we WILL see them again, gives us strength and peace.
God used Job and his family to make an impact on the world. Granted, we haven't gone through the same trials as Job, but in a way I think it kind of makes sense.....for His kingdom. If we had only lost Maddy or if Job had only lost his wife, or one child, it wouldn't have the same signifigance....it wouldn't have been a story of actual events that would impact the world. I think, by our Lord using us, by taking both of our girls home with Him, He is touching lives. He is! We are not! He is simply using us for His Kingdom.
I am so proud, of both of my girls. God has used them both to touch peoples lives. That is amazing to me. I miss them like crazy. God understands that, I know He does. I have thought a lot about what heaven is like right now and what it will be like when we get there. I imagine Maddy and Ellie are having a ball right now. Playing and laughing and running. I smile when I think of the day Matt and I are together there with them. I can't wait to see them, open my arms and let them run. Run into the biggest hug I could ever give them. Thank you Lord, for the blessing of our Madelynn Rose and Ellison Kate.
Love,
Ellie's Mommy
