Tuesday was such a different kind of day for me. I never imagined that I would be facing the day that I would bury another daughter. That whole morning just seemed like a blur. Matt and I are strong as strong can be considering, but it was kind of the thought of "Is this really happening again?". You just can't prepare yourself for it. As I have told a lot of people some of what I am going through right now is shock, plain and simple. Reality is hitting me little by little. It is a very strange feeling. Not sure how to describe it yet.
Matt and I had decided when it came to making Ellie's arrangements to not have the typical funeral service. We had done that once already and to go through that again-I don't believe we could have handled it. I will be real honest with you all, there are parts of Maddy's service I wish I could have changed. Everything with Maddy was so sudden and traumatic, Matt and I were not fully able to plan a proper service for her. There are parts of it that I felt were not appropriate but I can't change that now. I really regret that and have been struggling with that this week, almost to the point of being angry. I know I don't need to be, but I just wish things could have been different for her, for both of my girls. I want them here. To even be talking about how both their services compared is just not normal. I hope no one ever has to go through what we have been through.
So, we had the service outside. I know, it was very hot on Tuesday. To the guys in suits, thank you. I know you were sweltering. Thank you also for those of you who stood the whole service. Thank you for being there and taking part in what I know was difficult to be a part of. The service itself was beautiful. Thank you Dale and Bro. Mike. What you said was beautiful and captured I think what Ellie was all about. You both did such a awesome job, with both of my girls. Matt and I feel so privileged to have you in our lives. You guys lift us up and encourage us just when we need it. We will be forever grateful to you.
I think the hardest part of the graveside service for me was seeing Matt carry Ellie to her final resting place. This man, my husband, loves his Ellie so much. I watched the way he cared for her, how he loves her. It was and always will be so beautiful to see. Matt would have and in ways has given his life for her. Everything changed when Ellie came in to our world. We both started seeing things in a different light. God showed us so many things that didn't matter anymore. The focus was and still is our family. Matt would not have let anyone else carry Ellie. I am proud of him for that. I know it was hard to do. He is her daddy, her protector and comforter here on earth. I think it was fitting he carried her there and laid her physical body next to her big sister. I know they were looking down from heaven and telling their daddy they loved them. The strength we felt at that moment could only have meant God was there. We could not have made it through the service without Him.
I think a sweet moment at the end of the service was something I didn't even see. We did a balloon release. We had 95 balloons, one for each day of Ellie's life. We released them at the end of the service. What I didn't learn till the next day was that all of the balloons had begun to slip away in to the sky. All of them except two. Those two were side by side floating together about 100 feet below the rest of them. How neat a representation of Maddy and Ellie together in heaven. Thank you, Ray, for seeing that and sharing that with me. You brought a smile and tears at the same time.
Love and thank you for continued prayers.
Ellie's Mommy
