Last night was the first night Matt and I had been to our home church since April. It had been a LONG time. I was ready to be back at my church and ready to worship. So much has changed in our lives the past eighteen months. It's hard to explain it all and describe how we are feeling. I think really at this point if you asked me, I would say it's indescribable. This is just so hard for so many reasons. One thing that has not changed or wavered, is our faith in God. For me, it has only gotten deeper. It's another thing that I know is hard to understand. At times like this it's easy to look up at Him and go why God, why? I have done it and still do it. He understands that, I know He does. We are human and we are not perfect. We don't know or have all of the answers. But, at times like that when I can't focus and I question, He feels me with a peace that is unexplainable. It can only come from Him! Does it give me all the answers? No. This peace keeps me calm, it helps to keep going. I am hurting, Matt is hurting. It's hard to come back home and try to settle in to a life that you didn't want to have. We want to have Ellie with us. We want to have Maddy with us. Being back in this house, is hard. It's a weird feeling. It's overwhelming at times. We are trying to get a house back in order that we have not been in, in five months. We are trying to unpack our lives. That is so hard. Those of you that know me and have seen me, know I try my best to keep a smile on my face. I can genuinely put it on at times, but then there are other times where it's there just to be there. Deep down I just want my girls. I know that feeling will never truly go away. What I try to focus on, in those darkest of moments is eternity. I am confident that Matt and I have eternity with Maddy and Ellie. That is the other part of the peace that God fills me with. Eternity, is so much longer than we have here. Praise God for that!
I say all of that to say I was excited to go to church, but nervous. I knew this was going to be a new release of emotions for me. I remember the first time we went to church after we lost Maddy. I cried off and on through the whole service. Going this time, I wasn't sure what to expect. When the worship service started, my heart was just filled with this incredible joy. Joy to be able to praise God and worship with Him. Joy that my girls were up in heaven, happy and healthy and singing with me. I love to sing. Singing last night, was such a release. Last night, one of the songs we sang was "Forever Reign". Matt and I love this song. It was one of the songs we sang at Ellie's celebration service. It's so powerful. It was during this song, that my eyes just filled with tears. This was when the release of emotions came. I know it was God allowing me to praise Him and be sad at the same time. While the tears came, I was able to just sing, cry, and lift my hands up to Him. It felt awesome. God is so good!
Matt and I are taking things day by day right now. We have our easy moments and not so easy moments. We appreciate your continued prayers. We need them. I know I have said this many times already, but thank you to those who have continued to pray for us, support us and just truly love us. We are speechless at the outpouring of support we have been shown. God is taking care of us each day and we feel so blessed. Thank you for listening to my heart and allowing me to continue to share with you all. It feels so good to know there are so many of you out there that truly care for us. We love you all!
Love,
Ellie's Mommy
I promise to write more about some things I discovered while we were in Florida too! I just wanted to share what was on my heart the past couple of days!
