Those four words are the title to a book I have mentioned before. It is written by Angie Smith. She is, to me, amazing. This girl can write! After Maddy went to heaven, it was recommended to my brother that I read this book, when I was ready. At the first mention of it, I thought I would never be ready. How could I read a book about another woman's loss when I was still dealing and processing mine. As weeks went on, I began to think about the book. I wanted to read it and felt like I needed to read it. Once the book was handed to me, I opened the pages and literally could not put it down. I had it read in just a few days. Angie was able to write a lot of things I had been thinking but wasn't able to say. It was like she had written it for me. I was able to give the book to several people and say "Here read this, if you want to know what I have been feeling/thinking, this will help.". Each person I know that has read this book, has had the same reaction I had. It truly is an amazing book and so insightful into the life of loss of an infant. I would encourage everyone who can to pick this book up and read it.
I think you all know that this week reality has begun to sink in. I have had trouble telling you all of my thoughts and fears. There are so many. I think one of the hardest things I have been questioning is "Why me, why Matt and I, why our girls?". I know as long as I continue to listen to God and seek direction from Him, He will guide me through it. Yesterday, I finally let myself go to a song I knew would help me, but also break me. It's the song that Angie and her husband wrote that is also the title to her book. The song "I Will Carry You" is SO powerful. It breaks me in a good way. It helps me to see a little bit of God's plan each time I hear it. While Matt was in the shower I sat there and listened to the song and the slide show of their Audrey Caroline and I just cried my eyes out. Sometimes you need that. I sat at the end of it with a smile. The song touches me every time.
So with that said I will end with this- Madelynn Rose and Ellison Kate, I will carry you forever. As time goes on know you are still with us each and every day. You hold the most special places in mine and daddy's heart. I will be glad and give praise to God each day, that He allowed me to carry both of you. Thank you Lord, for giving me these precious gifts. How honored Matt and I are that You gave these two special girls to us.
Love,
Ellie's Mommy
