Matt and I feel most of the moments before Ellie went to be with Jesus should be private. They are memories just for the three of us and I truly feel that you all respect that. I was thinking of Sunday yesterday and I wanted to share just a couple parts of that day. Let you all in to a moment that was so sacred but so real and so precious....
Ellie slipped away from us around 5:00 am that morning. She was completely in peace and without any pain. That in itself was a gift from above. Trust me, we never and still did not want her to leave us, but this is what the Lord planned. We are grateful of how peaceful she was able to be those last few days. At that moment, I got to hold her. When I mean hold her, I really got to hold her. Matt and I had always held Ellie with tubes and pillows to help keep her positioned. At that moment, I got to scoop my baby up and just rock her as she experienced her first moments in heaven. I know, she wasn't with us anymore, but the feeling I felt at that moment was incredible. It's a feeling as a parent you always want to have and for thirteen weeks we did not get it. I remember just sitting there on her bed and rocking back and forth with her. My heart was shattering but at the same time rejoicing because I was able to hold my Ellie. I remember I kept saying, "This feels so good, it just feels so good." and it did. It was a comfort that I just can't put in to words. Ellie was with Jesus and Maddy and so many others and I was happy for her and broken. Broken because I knew these were the last few moments of seeing Ellie and touching Ellie. I just wanted to drink in every bit of it.
We got to take our journey home with Ellie. We had the opportunity to take her and knew of this before her passing. I will admit, the idea at first made me really nervous. I didn't know if I could do it. When the time came though, I was glad we were able to take her to Evansville with us. It was such a private and sacred moment that the three of us got to have. We were both able to hold her through different parts of the trip and rock her. I know some of you might not understand this about us holding her even when she had already left this world. It's really a comfort that I can't explain. The only way I can put it, is try to imagine being limited on holding your child for five minutes if you had to and then think of 95 days. That's what we had to do. I guess I can look at it and compare it to this. Ellie was now safe in the arms of Jesus, healthy and laughing and playing. I think Jesus gave us the comfort for just a few short hours with her phyiscal body to hold her and say goodbye.
During that journey home, we played the christian radio station. What was amazing was how God spoke during that trip through song. About forty-five minutes in to the trip, the song "Beautiful" came on by Mercy Me. I will and want to give you guys a whole post on that song, but just know that was Ellie and mommy's song for now. Then, "Our God" by Chris Tomlin came on. This was my friend Jessica's song for her Rebecca. Then, "Bring The Rain" came on. This was a song I clung to after losing our Maddy. After that we heard "Blessings" by Laura Story and then "Stronger" by Mandisa. I just looked at Matt and shooked my head as tears rolled down my face. God was speaking to us through song. I believe He was telling us look, we are all up here together and are playing and laughing and running and having so much fun. It has just been so amazing how God has spoken to me during such critical times. At that moment I couldn't do anything but cry and smile and know God is in control.
Letting Ellie go at the funeral home was so hard. I know no one there realized it but we had to say good bye to her in the same room that we had Maddy's funeral in. When we first walked in there I stopped cold. That is such a hard room for me to walk in to. It brings back so many more painful memories. I stopped for a few seconds and then just looked at Ellie and told her we said goodbye to your sister in this room too. I know she is with you now and wouldn't want mommy to be upset. We again got to sit with Ellie, hold her and rock her. It's precious moments like that along with many others through our journey that I will never forget.
I want to end this all today by asking you guys when you get the chance to listen to "Held" by Natalie Grant. This is such a powerful song and has such great meaning to what we are going through now. Her time her was too little and we had no sudden healing here on earth. But, God healed Ellie in a way we could only imagine right now and I believe He is using our Ellie to heal others lives. And as the chorus says near the end is "This is what it means to be held and to feel that the promise was when everything fails we be held." Matt and I are being held each moment of each day by our Lord and Savior. I know He will never let us go.
Love,
Ellie's Mommy
Last night, we were standing outside. It was very late and I was about to crumble (I have those moments very often right now) and the wind blew. At that moment I could smell the sweetest smell~My Ellie's hair. I smiled the biggest smile. She was with me and I knew I could keep walking and I did. How powerful our God is.
