Hello everyone. I hope you all had a good three day weekend. I will be honest with you all, it seems like time for me right now, is just dragging on. I miss Ellie so much. Matt and I were looking at a picture of her last night and I just broke down. I know this is part of the process when going through loss. We have been there before and know parts of this journey all to well. Ellie and Maddy are different though. While I was bonded with Maddy while I carried her and did the same with Ellie, I got to bond with Ellie outside of the womb. You become connected in a way that I can't even describe. Matt's connection with her with so beautiful and so touching. He loves that girl with everything in him. Since Ellie was so sick, we had to bond with her in a different way too. Ours was through talking to her, touching her hand, touching her head. While it was hard to be able to do that, it was special too. It was a unique way of parenting, as I like to think. She knew the sound of our voice and to see her little eyes open or even flutter when we talked to her, well you can imagine what that did to our hearts.
When I looked at that picture last night, it just brought so much back to me. I miss her hair, the way it felt when I touched it. I miss her head. I miss her nose and how cute it was. I miss her perfect little lips. I just miss my baby and I ache at times to be able to see her again. I trust in God to fully walk Matt and I through this and I know He will. He is the only one who can. I still can't help though that I am human and I want to be able to be Ellie and Maddy's mommy in every way shape or form. It's just a weird unexplainable feeling. Our lives were so caught up in her fight for life and now that she's gone, we don't quite know what to do with ourselves. I know life must go on and it will, but it will never be the same. Through Ellie, the Lord has changed my life. I am a different person now and I am proud of that. I just still wish that I had both of my girls here. It's a hurt I can't describe, a hurt I know will never truly go away, but a hurt I know the Lord will ease with time. I am trusting Him each day. It's the only way sometimes to get through the day.
Please pray for Matt and I. We are doing ok, but hurting. We feel so much love from so many of you and that's why I know and feel I can be very honest with you all. We thank you all for all of your love and support.
Love,
Ellie's Mommy
