We are now on the verge of being 48 hours without our precious Ellie Kate. I miss her so much. My heart just aches to be with her. I know and fully trust that I will be with both Maddy and Ellie someday, but still it doesn't lessen the pain. It's so weird being at home. Matt and I both agree that we would give anything to be back in our room at Children's with Ellie. We know it's selfish of us. She is in heaven and it would be wrong of us to keep her here when she is living such a beautiful life now.
I had to get out today to find something to wear. I know it was almost 14 weeks ago since I had Ellie, but living in a NICU means you don't get your pre-pregnancy figure back to easily. So, I have nothing to wear. I was trying to make the stops as quick as possible. To be out shopping just doesn't feel right to me. I feel guilty. I can't quite describe it. You go from fighting and fighting and fighting to get your child well and home, to being home by yourself and everything back to normal. I say normal but it's not. It a whole new normal again. And while we have a whole new normal going on again, life goes on around us. What was so weird today was each place I went and made a purchase, each person would look at me and say "Have a great day!". The first time I kind of just let it go. By the third time, I really had to stop and think about it. I have said that so many times, not thinking about it. I was not having a great day. I was having a rough day. Trying to pick out something to wear to bury your child in is not fun. It's also not fun when you are worried about nothing fitting you like it used to (I had to throw that in, you girls know what I mean).
I guess I am guilty like a lot of us are as to not paying attention and just going thru the motions. I know with Maddy I was a little bit better about it, but now with Ellie I am a lot more fully aware. We never know what the person standing right next to us or across from us, that we don't even know, might have going on in there life. They could have suffered a loss, lost their job, had a car wreck, I could go on and on and on. I know today it hit me really hard and I am going to do my best to be more understanding and cautious. You never know when you might make a person smile who's day was really rough. I know that besides being told today have a great day several times, I was also treated with kindness today and respect from people who didn't know me, didn't know what I was going through. That made me feel a little better, despite the pain I feel right now.
I am so thankful as is Matt for each and everyone of you. Thank you for your comments and emails and phone calls, and texts these past few days. We might not have gotten back to every single one of you, but know we received each and every one of your thoughts and how encouraging they were to us. Thank you for letting us share our hopes and joys and pains and sorrow with you guys. I have told several people that this is an outlet for me to share how I am feeling. Therapy in a way. You all are helping Matt and I more than you know. Our Lord and Savior, is giving us strength we didn't know was possible. We feel so blessed.
Again, I hope we get to see many of you on Wednesday. I know we may not know you all, but you all know us. We have opened our hearts to you guys and you have taken us in and loved us. We want ALL of you who are able to join us and celebrate this blessing He gave us in our beautiful Ellison Kate on Wednesday @ 2p.m. @ Christian Fellowship Church, 4100 Millersburg Rd Evansville, IN 47725.
We hope see you soon...
Love,
Ellie's Mommy
