When Matt and I learned of Ellie's condition, I felt so stunned. How could this be happening to me? I buried the thought that she might be gravely ill when she was born. I knew it was possible, but chose to look on the positive side. I told myself we might have to fight for awhile, but I think she is going to be ok. I knew what could happen. I trusted in God to walk us through whatever lie ahead.
God has now walked us through a thirteen week fight that us been so full of ups and downs. It's exhausting and mentally draining. So much has happened some days I will be honest I don't know where to begin. It's literally putting one foot in front of the other. Through it all, God has been there for all of us. When we learned that medically, there was nothing more they could do to help Ellie, it was like getting the wind knocked out of me. You try and try to prepare yourself for that when you know how sick your innocent baby is, but nothing prepares you to hear you are going to have to let her go. For a few days after people kept telling me you will know when she is ready. I had a hard time hearing that. How are you supposed to know?
I will tell you that the question I just stated above has a simple answer, by yourself you will never know. It's a peace that only comes from the Lord. I don't want to let Ellie go. I am human and I am selfish. But, I have seen how, through my daughters journey the Lord has used her to touch so many lives. While it still doesn't give me more time with Matt and I's precious Ellie, it gives me a peace. A peace of knowing that her life has purpose and meaning. A peace that the Lord has been with her and will be for eternity. Like I said with Maddy, I still am at a loss for a peace of knowing that I will once again be home without now both my children. That is heartbreaking for Matt and I. But, I have a peace that I know when it is my time I know where I am going. That is a peace in and of itself. But I also have a peace that eternity is simply that eternity. It is SO much longer than my time here on earth. That day is going to be the grandest welcome home I have ever had.
I know you guys can probably tell by Matt and I's latest posts that Ellie is getting weaker. We still know that God can perform a miracle at any moment. Never ever will we give up on that. Let me rephrase the part about Ellie getting weaker. While her physical body is getting weaker, she is still a fighter. God is still using her and I believe He is going to for a long time. I just feel lucky and can't say that enough to be a part of the miracle of her. Matt and I are so proud of her. She is worth celebrating. I will celebrate her for as long as I live.
Please keep us in your prayers. We need them. We are walking through a process right now that is indescribable. By God's grace, He will carry us through. I will never lose sight of that.
Love to all of you.
Ellie's Mommy
Also, before I forget, I owe a huge apology to Mr. Ben Poenisch (www.bdpphoto.com). Ben helped Megan during her photo shoot with us Sunday. So talented, so caring, and so respectful. Thank you for taking the time to come and capture such a special priceless memory for us.
And Megan, the images you captured were just awe inspiring to me. People have left our room in tears and in awe of the way you captured our life here. You and Ben will never know what you guys captured for us. We will forever be grateful for those beautiful pictures and video of our beautiful Ellison Kate.
Mommy finally photographed daddy sleeping with Ellie.... and daddy was so out of it he never heard the shutter.
