March was always one of my favorite months. March meant spring was coming. Spring meant warmer weather, the sun staying out longer, getting out of sweaters and pants and boots and putting on shorts, capris and flip flops. March meant spring break and I always loved a chance to get out of school! Two years ago though, March and what it meant to me changed forever.
Two years ago today, I awoke very early thinking I was in labor. Being pregnant for the first time and scared not knowing what we were in for, I was terrified to go to the hospital, but knew we had to go. At about 3:40 that morning Matt and I loaded up in the car and drove, very quickly to the hospital. I was nervous, scared, excited, and happy. I think I was all the things you would be when you are about to become a parent for the first time. We arrived at the hospital and checked in to the triage area where they would get me hooked up to monitors and then get me to a room. It was at that moment, when Matt and I's lives were forever changed. I remember they were trying to locate her heartbeat on the monitor but were unable to do so. They then decided to do a ultrasound to try to find it. I remember looking at Matt, terrified, saying "Something is wrong!" He was so strong and kept assuring me that everything was fine. Then the ultrasound came. I will never forget the look on that woman's face and how she just shook her head and said she was sorry. At that point, the world just stopped for me. How could this be? Was this a nightmare? She can't be right. My daughter is not gone. At that point, I just started crying and shaking and screaming. Maddy was gone. She was in heaven. And now we were going to have to learn to live without our child.
I still can't really put in to words what that day has done to me. It hurts. It's wrong. I get angry knowing that we didn't have the happy exciting outcome that so many others have. I still say why me? every day. I wonder what she would be doing now. I look at other toddlers who would be around her age and think would Maddy being doing that? What would she look like now? Sometimes its just an ache that sets in that's stronger than the normal ache. To know that instead of planning a big birthday party where I spent to much money and she was overwhelmed with presents, that I get a flower arrangement and and take it to her grave to pay my respects, is just not right. It's not fair, plain and simple. I just want her and Ellie here with us.
With all of the pain and heartache we have been through, I can tell you this-no matter how rough the waters get or how deep the pain may feel, I know that I can call on God and He will carry me through. I have learned to lean on him in a way that I never thought possible. As you can see, I still question, and get angry. He's ok with that. I know He is. These past few days have been very hard on me. Last year we had Ellie coming and that helped to ease some of the pain. This year, I have struggled a lot remembering every moment of these few days from two years ago. It's just hard.
Maddy,
Thank you for the most precious nine months a mommy could ask for. I remember all of our wonderful times together. I will never forget the way you could do flips in my belly and how you loved to listen to music. I thank you for teaching me what is like to love in a way I have never loved before. I wish you were here, I will always wish that. I can still feel you in my arms and long for the day I can hold you again. I know you and your sister are having so much fun in heaven today and everyday. Know that your mommy and daddy love you both more than words can ever say. I will always praise God for the fact that he choose me to carry two of the most special beautiful girls in all the world. I love you and I miss you more than words.
Love,
Mommy
