Tomorrow it will have been a year. A year since we were introduced to our little miracle, Ellison Kate. I will never forget that day. We were so excited and nervous. We wanted our little baby growing inside of me to be healthy and active and all the things you think of when you are pregnant. Sadly, when you have been through a loss, pregnancy is never the same. You are left, no matter how much you place your trust in the Lord, with a fear that will never leave you. I remember we were excited because for the first time in months we were experiencing joy again. We were excited for our future. I was also so excited to share this moment with my brother and sister-in-law. It was a special time for all of us. A time I know we will never forget. The emotions that we felt when Judy told us it was a girl, still leaves me in awe. God had blessed us again and for that alone we were excited. I remember my brother taking picture after picture of the screen of little Ellie moving around. He recorded her heartbeat. All of us were so overjoyed! Ellison Kate was her name and we couldn't wait to share that with the world. She was a blessing God gave us for so many different reasons. She is still a blessing to this day.
I will also never forget the moment my doctor walked in and congratulated us. She was excited, we were excited (can you tell we were excited!!!). But then she said something that would change our lives forever, but at the time we didn't see the whole picture. I remember her words like it was yesterday. Judy thinks she sees something, but we're not sure. It looks like her stomach could be on the wrong side. I remember Matt and I both questioning how bad that could be and she wasn't sure. With everything else we had been through that past year, we both thought it couldn't be that bad. We've been through the worse, it can't get any worse is what I kept telling myself. We both decided to focus on the positive, until we knew for sure. We were going to rescan in two weeks. Hopefully Ellie was just to small and we didn't see it right. Little did we know at that time, the little miracle she was. Ellie still amazes me to this day. How could she not?
Christmas has come and gone this year. It's been different for us both. It's our first Christmas in two years that I wasn't pregnant. The first time since 2009, we haven't felt like we had something to look forward too. It's been hard, I won't lie. I don't think I fully realized what joy carrying the girls through Christmas brought me. It was weird to not have a present under the tree for Maddy or Ellie. I think it's safe to say that even with our family around us, we just felt lonely. A part of us is just gone. It's with our girls waiting for us in heaven. And as hard as that is sometimes, I wouldn't have that any other way. I am grateful though for our family and friends who have been with us and just loved us through this season. You all have brought a smile to my face on even the hardest of days and I praise God for that.
With 2012 right around the corner, I have mixed emotions. I am ready for the new year, excited for what the Lord has in store for us. On the other hand, I am sad to leave 2011 behind. God gave Matt and I the most beautiful gift this year in Ellison Kate. And I guess, as many of you who have been through a loss like ours would agree, I feel like going in to a new year is leaving what was given to us this year and I hate that. But, as soon as I think that, I try to let it leave my mind. Ellie and Maddy will never be gone from my heart. I will NEVER forget them. My life is forever changed because of them. I wouldn't have that any other way.
Ellie Kate, mommy and daddy think of you each day. You left a mark on our hearts that changed us forever. I will never forget the day we found out we were having YOU! How joyful you made us. God allowed us to see the beginning of just how special you were to be. How lucky we are that God choose us to carry you! We miss you and we love you.
Love,
Mommy
