Life. Since we have been home life has been very, very, very busy. We have just had a lot to handle since we got home. It's been overwhelming at times. I am so grateful and continue to be for all of the friends and family we have that have helped us and continue to love us and support us. With Gods strength, they are helping to keep us going. I am so appreciative of that. Part of our life we just put on hold since we got home. It was a part that I will admit, I didn't want to face. I didn't want to have to, in a way, let go, if I can call it that. I don't know if that's even the right way to put it. You never let go of memories.
Yesterday was the day to straighten, organize and box up some of Ellie's things. When we got home from Cincinnati, we brought home everything of Ellie's. Clothes, cards, letters, supplies, you name it, we had it. To be honest, when we got back to Evansville, I just could not face packing her things up. I can do a lot, but to box her things up was unbearable. So, most of it got put in what was to be her room (which was to be Maddy's as well, so I now call that room the girls' room) and our spare bedroom. It has all been pretty much laying there in the same spot since we got home. I think it's been a process for me to get to the point I could box it up. How do you box up and pack away your child's belongings when you know there not here? It wasn't like we were doing it just because she grew out of those things or wasn't playing with those toys anymore. It's these things that I struggle with. I just don't understand why us. Why did we have to lose another child? I am still and will always be praying through these moments. God continues to give me strength. And with each day, He is filling me with hope. I know He understands these moments that I have. Our God, is a loving, awesome, patient and understanding God. It's amazing the strength He gives me.
So, we began the process of putting away Ellie's clothes, her stuffed animals, her toys, her books and anything else you can imagine we had. It was like time stood still for several hours yesterday. As I put some of her things away, I could remember moments we had when she was in that outfit, or how her levels improved with that certain stuffed animal. What I will always remember though (and I think of this each day) is what an amazing, strong, courageous little girl she was. I've said it before but Ellie Kate taught me so much. God used her in such a big way. I will always be proud to tell people about my little girl and what God did through her. How He blessed Matt and I. It still leaves me speechless.
When everything was put up and the room was back together, I just stood there and took it in. It's was amazing to stand there and think of all the dreams and memories that are in that room. The room is still set up and we have left some of both of the girls stuffed toys and blankets in their bed. That is special to me. I can go right in there and feel close to them with the touch of a blanket or the squeeze of stuffed doggy.
There are moments each day when I just wish I could look in to the future and see what God has in store for my family. I know we can't know for certain what His plan is for us. We have to trust. I am learning to do that a little more each day. By His grace, we continue to move forward.
Love you all,
Ellie's Mommy
